Learning and the Learning Cycle - it's a Process!

For the last two weeks I have been bumping around all sides of the triangle, all twisted up in the grip.  I am talking about the Learning Cycle – right dab smack at the bottom, in defense.   At the heart of my defense is feeling the trespass of power over.  This is unresolved conflict within a professional relationship.  I expect more from the relationship and I expect more from myself.  After all, I see the power issue at play, I understand my trigger and my response is very familiar to me.  What I don’t understand is how my heart and mind can continue to disregard years of self-work intended to support me in moving beyond these old wounds.  I wonder, what is it about this particular relationship that can trigger old wounds that consume me with the feeling of being insignificant? 

In this feeling place of insignificance, my behavior is not a pretty sight.  Much like a wounded teenager, I tend to strike out with actions and interactions intended to communicate – “screw you…you don’t think I am good enough? I’ll show you what I can do”.  “I’ll prove my value”. 

Suddenly I feel tremendous sadness and think, “really Stacey, do you need to go here again?”  Doing the same thing over ‘n over while expecting a different outcome, does not equal 100% Responsibility. 

I try to shift by wondering …”what is here for me to learn?” 

Ok, I can still feel the itch of defense –I am not quite ready to learn yet…..slowly I slide back down to the triangle to retell my story from the victim perspective, then I quickly toggle to strike out with blame and a razor sharp tongue.  This pattern is real and it is familiar.  This dynamic continues to resurface in this relationship year to year.  

Perhaps the more important questions to consider are …”how is this familiar?”  Whose voice do I really hear in our exchange?   I have a pretty good sense of some of the projection taking place.  My struggle is the ability to create healthy boundaries in this relationship.  I really don’t know what this means for me yet – if I did, believe me, I would be forwarding some type of change.

So - no answers today; I am simply reflecting on my humanity.  We are all perfectly imperfect human beings traversing together.  I am holding the intention to uncover new perspectives on this particular dust bunny.  It has become exhausting to replay this mental/emotional tape again and again. 

Today my goal is to make a list of the things I appreciate about this relationship.  Second, I intend to identify one small action that I can take that may shift how I currently feel about this relationship.  Third, this week I will take the time to carefully describe the ways that this relationship can be different, my image of the most healthy and rewarding relationship – an image that includes me being 100% Responsible for my actions and interactions.  It's a process.  My intention is to commit to the process.