I received an email request to discuss 100% responsibility. I learned about this concept and its framing from Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks more than 14 years ago. I have adopted their framing of this concept for PCT. They have published many books that discuss this topic in great detail.
I have always resonated with this particular framing of 100% responsibility. It really makes sense to me and this perspective has supported me in further understanding the quality of my relationships and the outcomes that I create through my actions and interactions.
100% Responsibility is an avenue to explore the outcomes that one creates in life. Responsibility is an action you take, rather than staying stuck in blame or burden (defense). Exploring your relationship with responsibility is a conscious approach to increasing self-awareness and fostering personal growth and change. I prefer to embrace the notion that life doesn’t happen to me; I am an active participant creating the script as I journey. Even my lack of action is me participating in my life – creating my own story. This depth of accountability can be difficult for some to accept. It can also be empowering. It is living my life from a place of power from within. And it also supports me in establishing healthy relationship boundaries. Notice the interweaving of the PCT capacities.
The email request was specifically to discuss The Cost of Responsibility, Activity 3 and how The Learning Cycle relates.
The Cost of Responsibility: False Equations and wanting to be Right. The “Cost of Responsibility” is the language that the Hendricks’ used to explain potential reasons why people may unconsciously take less than or more than 100% responsibility in a life situation. One of the definitions of “Costly” is damaging; causing great loss, damage or suffering. Another definition is; involving a great deal of effort, time, or sacrifice. Both perspectives conjure up images of negative consequences in life and relationships.
When we are stuck in the grip or in defense (Learning Cycle) we may rationalize our lack of responsibility with what we believe is a good excuse. For example, the “Victim” might say – “It’s not my fault that I am late with my paperwork, I have too many clients and my territory is so vast I spend hours on the road! We justify our lack of action or the outcomes we are producing (in this case late paperwork) with what we think is a good excuse to defend our behavior and absolve ourselves from responsibility.
Another example of why people may not take 100% responsibility is they want to be right and make others wrong. Wanting to be right is associated with the Persecutor role in the defense triangle on the Learning Cycle. For example – we are attending our monthly team meeting. One of my colleagues is difficult to work with and often takes the contrary perspective just to banter the issue with me in public. During the meeting, I hear my colleague say that she is moving forward with an action that I know is not the best choice for the situation – I sit passively, saying nothing. I think to myself, “let’s just see how that works out for you”; knowing that I will be able to illuminate the short-sightedness of the decision at the next meeting. It is my opportunity to be right and make her wrong.
Reflective Activity #3 – Page 47 in the toolkit
The purpose of experiential Activity #3 is too explore the concept within one’s own life experiences and then to apply the concept with a committed action to forward positive change.
Activity 3 is an opportunity for learners to reflect on their relationship with 100% responsibility. It begins by identifying an undesired outcome in one’s life; an unresolved conflict or issue. Next, the learner thinks about the outcome within the context of responsibility. The learner considers if she/he is stuck in the role of victim or persecutor relative to this undesired outcome. This is where the Learning Cycle comes in.
Then the learner considers the payoff and the cost. There is always a perceived payoff to staying stuck in our unhealthy patterns. For example, with the second example above – the payoff may be that I get to put my colleague in her place. It appears that she gloats every time she challenges me in a public forum; this is my opportunity to get her back. Not a very relationally healthy response –but human none-the-less. The payoff may also be that I look more talented or competent to my supervisor. The cost is that I am reinforcing the ‘gotcha’ / one-upper quality of the relationship. We remain at odds wasting energy, rather than generating positive energy in collaboration.
Now that I have reflected on my actions and the outcome that I am creating in my life – I am at a crossroad. I can continue to stay in defense or I can shift and consider what I have to learn from this situation in my life. How is this familiar? What images do I hold of the most healing / healthy relationship with this person? As I begin to consider the learning opportunity, I naturally begin to shift out of defense. I am moving back toward 'ease and flow' on the Learning Cycle. My self-awareness has expanded.
The final step to the activity has the learner identifying an action to move the issue forward towards a positive outcome that supports the learner in taking 100% responsibility for her/his actions. This is the application step in adult learning.
The PCT Application
PCT holds two aims - one is to serve the clients in our communities with PC approaches; and two, is to foster person-centered organizations. In my journey to become the complete human being I am meant to become, it is my opportunity to take 100% responsibility for the life I am creating. As my capacity to take 100% responsibility increases, so does my capacity to hold a reliable space for others take 100% responsibility for the life they are creating for themselves while in relationship with me. We don't live in a vacuum. We are always in relationship to people, things, ideas, etc.
So, what is the best tactic when we see others stuck in the "victim" mind-set? I am noting some individuals who are overwhelmed by their responsibilities and have settled in to the victim role. In discussion they see no action, or reaction, on their part that could change the outcome of their current situation. They assume no responsibility for their own failure to meet objectives.
ReplyDeleteI have tried individual discussion of the bulls eye Boundary Management( in the CM tool kit on page 39) as a way to think differently about their choices and actions.
I reflect almost daily on the choices I made that day and planning for the future. I find this self-reflection very helpful at the end of the day and a great stress reliever. Taking this time to reflect, plan, develop my "self" is a commitment and requires discipline.
Sharing coping skills and seeking input on solutions is yielding little or no feedback for the "victims" referenced above.
We focus on the successes first and quality improvement/self-development next.
Unfortunately, the victim role and "gain" from that method of coping seems to be spreading through our group. I know that 100% responsibility is the individual's response to internal and external factors and the choices they make but I wonder is there a group application for this as well? And, if so, how would group responsibility be addressed? As a group? Or each individual as part of that group?
It still seems like each individual must address their own choices and accept the cost or pay-off from those choices.
It is painful to watch these individuals struggle and continue the same pattern expecting new results. My cousin told me recently that when your higher power closes the door, stop walking into it. Great advice in my opinion.
Any advice for helping these individuals? Or, do we just accept that they have made a choice to be the victim?
Anonymous – thank you for sharing your reflections and engaging with questions!
ReplyDeleteSeveral thoughts come to mind while reading your post. None of my thoughts are intended to be “the answer”. Rather, my intention is to contribute to this conversation, so that we think differently about the topic at hand. Perhaps my ponderings will elicit insight from another and more conversation will unfold. I welcome this experience!
Taking 100% Responsibility for one’s choices and unfolding experiences/outcomes can be overwhelming. Some find this notion empowering, some may feel more stuck without the slightest idea of what they want to change and others may be completely content to continue complaining and not change anything. Quite complex.
While I discuss 100% Responsibility below, I am discussing it within this frame: The more I consciously take 100% Responsibility for my actions and interactions; I am able to hold a reliable space for others to do the same. Sometimes this means – holding a compassionate space for others to remain stuck in their circumstance without me jumping in to affect change. It can be a challenge to be present and simply witness another person’s pain or suffering – without moving to fix, comfort, and/or initiate change.
Let’s begin by thinking about the situation you are proposing.
My first question:
Does the individual want to change this situation? Is s/he seeking a different outcome?
While they may express with misery, some people are content enough with their situation to do nothing different. There are many, many reasons for this, as you can imagine given your own life journey.
When I hear someone complaining about her/his situation, I usually begin with –
“I hear you say……"
I may pepper in …. I can appreciate your frustration, I am sorry for your experience, etc. I acknowledge the emotion of the experience.
Then I say:
“How can I support you……”
This removes me from the equation of the outcome, unless I am invite in with a request from the individual. I am now in a reliable space for this individual to take 100% Responsibility for any action that may be taken. This also means that I hold no expectation for what request may be made of me and/or what action the other person will take. We have now moved into the realm of making/accepting requests.
Other supportive language includes:
•What image do you hold of “this situation”?
•What do you want to create?
•Describe the most desirable outcome, one in which you feel alive, successful and happy.
•What one action can you take to move towards your desired situation?
If you are the supervisor or manager of this individual the perspective here may change, because you too are being held accountable for this individual’s success or lack of.
ReplyDeleteIf the outcomes are affecting organizational success and coaching has not impacted change; then, I would move to formal HR processes designed to advance change or improve performance.
If you are stuck in “group think misery” – there are many ways to shift. Here are a few:
•Express your felt experience as a member of this group.
•Presence your observations of group interactions or group outcomes. (without blame of course, i.e. I notice that we have missed five of the last six deadlines).
•Express your ‘alive and successful’ image of the group.
•Use group processes to create a future image for the group and actions to forward change.
The opportunity is to get people talking about what’s working and what’s not working. Get the group to converse about a more positive, creative situation – and make/take small actions to forward the change.
Limited or Extensive Change:
•Celebrate all successful change.
•Express appreciation to members for their commitment to action and following through on what they said they would do.
•Take stock of the change process. Assess progress. Recommit to the path or create a new plan as necessary.
A Boundary Bonus Tip:
In facilitating health group interactions, I have used boundaries to guide behavior. For example:
When conversing with an individual who remains ‘stuck in her story’ and is not ready to forward action or take responsibility – I use boundaries to guide our interaction. I will say; “you have two-minutes to complain and I will listen. Then we need to shift and talk about other business”.
Remember 100% is about the actions we forward in life and the outcomes we are producing.